..when I noticed something odd about myself.

When I opened up a tab with the latest edition of Harvard Business Review, I also became very aware if someone in the vicinity saw what I was reading, they’d be impressed.

And I noticed myself relax and become present. It’s like there was more of me to take in the contents of the page.

But when I later clicked a link which resulted in my Facebook page popping up..

..I wondered if other people will think I’m a loser for sitting in a cafe and checking Facebook .. and I got all fidgety and squirmy in my seat.

Approval seeking much?

It’s interesting for me to notice that, because for some time I thought I “beat” approval seeking. By that I mean – these days I rarely catch myself wondering how to impress people or doing things deliberately to make sure I look good.

So where did this come from?

And now I’m wondering – did I really “beat” approval seeking? Or did I simply arrange my environment in such a way that now that part of me rarely gets triggered? That is, did I simply remove everyone out of my life who disapproves of me?

It’s possible.

I can’t remember the last time someone openly disapproved of me, or disagreed with me. Have I fallen into the trap of thinking that I’m making “progress” – when I’m really not?

Being someone who is upheld as a “guru” – even though I openly insist that I’m not – is a peculiar place to be, because it is so easy to hide here…

.. and it’s also so easy to become complacent. It’s easy to carve out a space in the world where none of my bullshit gets triggered, and no-one even questions me on it even if it does.

And it takes a random bunch of unsuspecting strangers in a cafe to help me see that a part of me still exists which craves validation .. and it’s a part which in that moment I was not being responsible for.

That part of me was running the show in that moment..

..not me.

And out of that emerges a way of looking at things which I find very interesting. Those parts of us – the ones which stop us from performing at our fullest potential – and which we try to “deal with”, eradicate, beat, suppress or evolve out of..

..they are not going anywhere.

And instead of trying to get rid of them, I’m going to try on another perspective: we can’t “beat them”. We were never meant to. But we can notice them, and then become responsible for them. We can develop a relationship with them, grounded in compassion.

And in the moment that shift happens from “I’m wondering if they’ll think I’m a loser because I’m on facebook in a cafe” to “Ah, there’s that part of me which is about to do it’s validation seeking thing”…

.. my power in the situation is restored.

In one situation, I’m being needy and inauthentic. In the other, I’m powerful and authentic.

This week, I’m going to practice noticing where that part of me which seeks validation gets triggered. It will be an interesting week.

Steven

..the scientific formula for overcoming loneliness. Yes, that’s right. I’ve discovered a formula for it.

Want to know what it is? Well, here you go:

C = L x R1 x R2 x N

Pretty straight forward, isn’t it? Oh, you want me to explain it? Oh… Ok.

First of all, we need to cover the basics.

I’m going to go quickly to get to the juicy part.

If you’re feeling lonely, how do you want to feel? What are you looking for? If you feel isolated, alone, and disconnected, what feeling are you looking to replace that with?

I don’t know about you but for me, it’s connectedness. If I’m feeling disconnected, the feeling that I’m looking for is a feeling of connectedness. Makes sense, right?

The opposite of feeling lonely is feeling connected. The way to overcome loneliness is to feel connected. The way you feel connected is to connect with people.

Yes, I’m very clever. Thanks.

We all have a certain level of connection that we desire. Yours may be different to mine which may be different to Steven’s, but we all have a level of connection that we’re looking for.

To make it easier to account for everyone’s different desires in this equation, I’ve represented the feeling of being completely connected, the opposite of lonely, with a simple ‘C’.

You can call this 100% connected if you want of whatever, I’ve just left it at ‘C’.

Now, if you’re reading this because you’ve been through or a currently feeling lonely, then you’re probably wondering what the rest of the formula means.

‘L’ represents the level that you’re using to feel connected. There’s a few different ways which I’ll outline in a minute.

‘R1′ represents how real you’re being with the person you’re trying connect with. This is written as a percentage.

‘R2′ represents how real the other people you’re trying to connect with is being with you. This is also written as a percentage.

‘N’ represents the number of connections you have.

So, to expand it out, the formula to work out how to overcome loneliness and fulfill your desire to connect with people, is:

- The level you’re connecting with people,
- Times how real you’re being,
- Times how real they’re being with you,
- Times how many of those connections you have,

Equals how much of the connection you’re looking for that you’re going to experience.

Or:

C = L x R1 x R2 x N

If ‘C’ comes out less than 100% then you’re going to feel less connected than you want to. And depending on how much less than 100% it is, you may or may not experience loneliness but it’s definitely not going to be rewarding.

If you want to stop feeling lonely, you need to get your score up over 100%.

It’s as simple as that.

Before you start having a look at your life to see just where you could increase your feeling of connectedness and stop being lonely, there’s a couple more things I need to explain.

There are three different levels that people connect on and each one has a different impact on how connected you feel.

The three levels are feelings, commonalities, and information. For the sake of making the formula work, I’ve assigned each one of these a ‘connection percentage’.

I’ve listed ‘feelings’ first in the list for a very good reason. Connecting on a feeling level is the core of experiencing incredible connections.

In any moment of your life, all you ever really know is what you’re feeling. You can have ideas and information about what’s going on around you but they’re all projections based off past experience and information. The only thing that’s actually real is what you experience.

It’s your ‘truth’.

If you want to feel incredible connections with people, where you let down your barriers experience total connectedness, it has to be on feelings. Everything else is guess work and thoughts.

Connecting on a commonality level is finding people who like the same things as you or have done the same things as you. This is the level that most ‘mates’ connect on.

They like the same stuff and have done it together a few times so they ‘have a connection’.

For the sake of the formula, I’ve assigned this level of connection with a 25% value because whilst it’s a form of connection, it’s partially based on feelings but it’s mostly based on facts and information (we did this, we went here, etc…)

Connecting on information is finding someone that agrees with you.

This is the level that a lot of very logical people connect on – “I have a view of the world and you have the same one so therefore we have a connection”. For the sake of the formula, I’ve assigned this level of connection with a 10% value because it barely contains any of your feelings at all.

In fact, it should probably be less than 10% but it just makes it easy to use this.

The other thing I have to qualify is what I mean by ‘realness’.

Being ‘real’ (in my definition) isn’t about sharing every piece of information or every part of the commonality. Rather, it’s about expressing yourself fully in that moment.

What I mean by that is letting out how you feel whilst you’re sharing whatever thoughts are coming to you. If you’re experiencing sadness whilst you’re sharing then being real is about letting yourself be sad whilst you’re doing it.

If you’re experiencing joy whilst you’re sharing then being real is about letting yourself be joyful whilst you’re sharing. It’s about not hiding how you feel in any moment and allowing the world to see every single part of you.

So, this whole formula thing might seem a little abstract right now so I’ll do a few examples to show you what I’m talking about.

Say I have a conversation with a group of people where we share information. Maybe it’s a work meeting.

We talk about facts, figures, and budget forecasts.

In that meeting – because of the office environment – I’m quite restrained with my expression and so is everyone else. There’s 10 people in the room. The formula for how connected I would feel from that would look like this:

10% (Level of information) x 10% (My realness) x 10% (Their realness) x 10 (Number of people) = 0.01

If this was the scenario, would experience 1% of the connection I was looking for in my life from that meeting. Sound good?

Lets say I leave the meeting and head outside to the kitchen to grab a coffee. In there, I meet a mate and we chat about our weekend.

We talk about things we did and how much fun we had. It’s still in the office so we can’t be too expressive but we have fun. The formula would look like this:

25% (Level of commonalities) x 40% (My realness) x 40% (His realness) x 1 (Number of people) = 0.04

Wow, 4%… Great! But then lets say the boss walks in and joins the conversation. Because we can’t be too outrageous, we tone down our expression and realness so we don’t give off a bad image. The formula would look like this:

25% x 20% x 20% x 2 = 0.02

Great. 2%. That’s a party! Ok, I think you get the picture here, but I’ll just keep going a little bit so you can see what’s really going on.

The work day finishes and I head to the squash court with a mate to play. We run around for about an hour and during that time, we yell at each other, laugh, swear and scream and just let out whatever’s coming up for us.

We’re so engrossed in the game that we don’t care what anyone else thinks. The formula would look like this:

25% x 100% x 100% x 1 = 0.25

25%. I don’t really feel anywhere near as lonely any more. But it’s still not everything I’m looking for.

We finish there and head out to grab some dinner. As we chat, I share with him a few issues I’m having with my girlfriend. I let out what’s really going on and how I’m really feeling.

He, in return, shares how he feels about some issues that are going on for him. We don’t fully express as we’re in a public place but we go deep. The formula would look like this:

100% (Level of feelings) x 70% x 70% x 1 = 0.49

Then, I head home and share the issues that I’m experiencing with my girlfriend. We yell and cry a bit but we stay committed to the conversation and resolve the issues. The formula looks like this:

100% x 100% x 100% x 1 = 1

I’ve included all these examples because I want you to get a sense of what’s really going on and why you might be feeling lonely and isolated.

What level are you connecting with people on? How real and expressive are you being when you’re with them?

And how real are they being in return?

And before you jump in a say ‘I’m fully expressive and I still feel lonely. Your formula is wrong’, I want you to think of the most expressive person you’ve ever seen in your entire life.

Someone who was just larger than life, letting out who they were and how they felt with every breath, every movement, and then compare yourself to them. Really, how expressive and real are you?

Just as a guide, in my experience, most people only let out about 10% – 20% of how they really feel in every moment.

Now, I’m going to throw observations your way here. You may or may not agree with them but just keep them in mind when you’re wondering why you feel lonely and you’re trying to find a way out.

If you’re feeling really lonely then I would suggest your formula is going something along the lines of:

10% x 20% x 20% x 5 = 0.02

Or if you’re just feeling a bit lonely, maybe it’s something like:

25% x 30% x 30% x 5 = 0.1125

Because if you anything like:

100% x 70% x 70% x 3 = 1.47

Or even just:

100% x 50% x 50% x 3 = 0.75

Then you wouldn’t be feeling lonely at all.

A lot of guys tend to externalise loneliness and blame it on not having enough open friends they can share with. But before you do, consider this:

100% x 70% x 20% x 3 = 0.42

So it’s not them. It’s you.

For most people, the pathway they take to overcome their loneliness is to change:

10% x 20% x 20% x 5 = 0.02

To:

10% x 20% x 20% x 50 = 0.2

And then wonder why they don’t get there. They think that the number of people they have in their life is inadequate and in order to feel less lonely, they need to just increase the amount of people they have around them.

As you can clearly see..

..it’s never going to work.

Overcoming loneliness isn’t about changing the number of people you’re connecting with; rather it’s about changing the level you’re connecting with them on and how real you’re being whilst you’re doing it.

So, if you’re feeling lonely and you don’t want to any more, keep this in your mind: the strongest connections between two points exist where there’s the least barriers.

So, to connect with another person, to feel connected, to overcome your loneliness, you need to drop your barriers and be real with them.

When you drop your barriers and you’re real with someone, just sharing how you feel and what’s going on for you, then you will form the connections you’re looking for.

The most interesting thing is that your loneliness is your key out of being lonely. Find someone you can trust or that you have some kind of connection with and share your loneliness with them.

Share how isolated and alone you feel sometimes.

Let down your barriers and find what you’re looking for.

If you don’t have people in your life that you feel comfortable opening up to, then there’s a whole community of guys who’re waiting to help you through this.

Join up to our forum, share your story, share your feelings, and see just how many other people out there are going through the exact same thing.

Leigh (LoGun)

“There’s just not enough real Men these days”..

..then I wouldn’t be writing this blog post.

I’d be sitting in the Bahamas dictating it to one of my loyal sweat shop workers..

..who would transcribe it before handing it over to the other group of loyal workers who would be uploading it onto the blog.

But it poses a very interesting question: what does it mean to be a Man?

And how do you become one?

I’m not writing this because I pretend to have all the answers. I’m writing this because I wanted to start a dialogue between all of the Men who are part of our community about what it means to be a Man..

..and what it takes to be a Man.

And, on top of that, I wanted you to have a serious look at your life. How you’re living it, and how you are going to move forward from here.

Now, when I’m talking about becoming a Man, I’m not talking about becoming an adult male.

I’m not talking about having an x chromosome and turning 21 years old; I’m talking about the deeper elements of Masculinity.

What I’m going to do is offer my perspective on what these deeper elements are – and then at the end, I’m going to invite you to comment so we can all grow through this.

So, what does it take to become a Man in our modern day society?

In ancient cultures, there were (and still are in some parts of the world), highly ritualistic paths to becoming a Man.

Some simply involved celebrations. Some went as far as killing a wild animal with a spear, but in my opinion, the essence of masculinity runs deeper than that.

In my opinion, there’s one key element that is required for taking the leap from boyhood to Manhood.

It’s not to do with what you own, how old you are, or how many chicks you’ve slept with. It’s about the fundamental way you engage the world. If I had to sum it up in one word, it would be:

Independence.

To me, becoming a Man is about breaking your reliance on the outside world for any of the necessities of life.

It’s about moving from being a taker, waiting in the wings for the world to provide you with the things you think you need to flourish..

..to being a giver, generating all the things you need and being able to share those with the world around you as a gift.

Now, you might not find this too enlightening.

You might read it and say:

“Well, I’m independent, so therefore I’m a Man”..

..but before you do, I want you to consider something. I’m not just talking about 1 form of independence. In my opinion, there’s actually 4.

And until you are independent in all 4 categories, then there’s still a way to go before you’re the creator of your world and not just a taker.

I’ve put the four stages in the order that I usually see someone achieve them in. You may agree, or not. That’s fine.

This post isn’t about proving how much I know. It’s to get you to think about how you see the world – and how you’re currently engaging the world.

If you have any thoughts on this, there will be a place for you to comment on it at the end.

The first stage of independence that a human male normally achieves is physical independence – the ability to dress yourself and the ability to feed yourself.

Most people hit this before they become a teenager.

If you haven’t’ yet achieved his level of independence then there’s probably a few things in your life that you’re going to need to look at before you can start building the future you desire.

The next stage of independence that a male usually achieves on his road to independence is financial independence.

Now, there are some people from particularly well-off families who don’t progress through this stage till much later in life, but most people hit this place around the time they leave study.

If you’re not financially independent, then there’s nothing wrong with it – you just might want to consider how it’s affecting the way you’re looking at the world.

If you’re still dependent on your parents to provide you with the basic necessities of life, then how do you think you’re going to perceive the rest of the world?

If you’re looking to things outside yourself for the very basics that are required to move through this world, then what issues is that going to throw up?

The third stage of independence that a male usually achieves on his way to full independence is psychological independence.

The way I’m defining psychological independence is the ability to make decisions for yourself and take action on those decisions based on your own intrinsic standards and morals.

Now, before you jump in here and say..

“Yep, that’s me”..

..consider this:

I’m not just talking about moving out of home and being able to make decisions without your mum or dad standing over your shoulder.

I’m talking about the ability to follow your desires and stand up for what you believe in, in every situation. If there’s any part of your life where you hold yourself back in because of what other people might think of you..

..then you’re not psychologically independent.

You’re still allowing the thoughts and perceptions of other people dictate how you live your life.

Sure, you might not be relying on your mum any more, but you’re still relying on other people to determine your path through this world.

That’s dependence.

And the final stage of independence that males usually achieve on their way to becoming fully independent, and in my definition, the final stage in achieving Manhood is..

..emotional independence. Becoming emotionally independent is where you cease relying on the external environment for your sense of happiness or fulfillment in your life.

Now, I’m not saying you need to become an emotionless robot.

Rather, I’m saying that regardless of the emotions that you experience in your day to day life, your sense of fulfillment and satisfaction from life continue to remain steady..

..because they’re based on your living the life you desire, rather than waiting for something external to make you happy.

If you really want to know how well you’re doing through these 4 stages then take a good, long hard look at your interactions with women and you’ll be able to clearly see where you’re at.

The last time you went out to meet women, where you physically independent? Were you able to dress and feed yourself? I’m guessing that if you’re reading this then you are probably OK with this.

The last time you went out to meet women, where you financially independent? Were you able to pay for your own way there and back?

Were you able to purchase the things you needed whilst you were there?

You were probably OK with this one as well.

Now, for the interesting ones. How about psychologically independent?

Did you do what you felt was the right thing to do in every moment? Or did you rely on the information, standards and rules you’d been provided by someone else (maybe even things you’d read on this website)?

And did you do the things that you truly wanted to do or did you hold yourself back because of what other people might of thought about you?

I’m guessing that if you’re reading this, you probably aren’t psychologically independent yet.

And how about emotionally independent?

Before you left the house, did you feel satisfied and fulfilled due to the way you carried out your life on that day? Or were you feeling somewhat empty and hollow?

And did that feeling carry through when the first woman who brushed you off and flicked you a look of utter disdain or did it drain out of your life? I’m guessing that if you’re reading this, then you’re not at this stage either.

There are a number of processes that go on to facilitate this change (with the number one being self-awareness), but that’s not what this post is about.

It’s about describing the factors that I believe help a human male step into Manhood.

I’m in no way saying this is definitive or right; it’s just one persons perspective amongst many. Now I’m curious to hear what you think. I’m going to start a thread up in the Mother Blog area of the forum where you can discuss this.

You can find it here:

http://www.attractioninstitute.org/inner-game-forums/viewtopic.php?f=122&t=3899

One thing I want to make clear here:

I’m in no way claiming that you should feel bad for not hitting all these stages or that you’re inferior for not doing so.

I know less than half a dozen people who I would say consistently hit all four of these stages and I’m not one of them.

I’m FAR closer toady than I was even 6 months ago, but it’s still very much a work in progress (and I’m pretty sure it always will be).

This post isn’t about trying to make you feel bad; it’s about helping you see just where you edge is.

So, what are your thoughts? How do you feel about these ideas? And where do you see yourself standing?

LoGun

http://www.attractioninstitute.org/inner-game-forums/viewtopic.php?f=122&t=3899

Such a standard greeting and such a token, throwaway answer. I bet you said it yourself – at least twice today.

But what’s behind “I’m good”?

Well, let’s try this on.

When you say “I’m good”, is it fair to say that most of the time what you’re really saying is: “I’m in my comfort zone”?

And if you’re in your comfort zone, you’re doing the same old stuff you’ve done for a very long time. You’re doing what you’re very good at.

You’re not growing.

I’d like you to reconsider how you view discomfort. Specifically, I’m talking about the discomfort you experience around people – the frustrations, the power losses and the times when you don’t get to have things the way you want them to be.

You may notice the temptation to make other people responsible for those situations – e.g.,

“Jonno frustrates me .. he is so lazy!”

Or:

“My boss is so controlling .. I hate him!”

I invite you to turn that on its head. Become wholly responsible for those situations, and view them as YOUR limitations in dealing with people:

“I’m noticing that I don’t have much ability to motivate people. With Jonno, for example, I have no idea how to put that energy and spark back into him.”

or:

“I’m really starting to notice that I don’t have much power around my boss. I just let him walk all over me and then I sulk behind him behind his back..”

And when you stand in that space of being wholly responsible for your limitations, don’t view yourself as complaining or whingeing or making yourself wrong.

Rather, allow yourself to be excited and moved by this discovery.

See it for what it is – a part of you which you were not present to before. A part which was invisible to you before, but which was limiting you severely in those situations because you were throwing away responsibility for its effects on to someone else.

And when someone asks you “how are you?”, I invite you to share that with people, rather than giving them the throwaway:

“I’m good. Busy.”

Share with them what you’re dealing with – and where you’re seeing your limits. Where you’re living outside your comfort zone.

Imagine how much more richness and depth that will create in your interactions. How much better people will get to know the real you, and reveal the real them to you.

Steven

It’s a psychology term used to describe the way we filter out any information which doesn’t support how we see the world and allow in everything that does.

It’s a pretty nifty little trick that our minds use to make us feel good.

And it’s pretty good at it too!

But it’s also really good at hiding the underlying causes of what could be holding you back from having amazing relationships with women. And here’s why:

If you’ve been reading this blog for any period of time now, I’m sure you’re aware that your limited success with women has very little to do with not having the ‘right’ thing to say..

..or performing the ‘correct’ action at the ‘correct time.

It’s all about you.

It’s all about how you feel and how you see yourself and the world.

The reason that confirmation bias is such a hindrance to getting this area of your life under control is that it can actually prevent you from noticing how you really feel and how you see yourself and the world.

Instead of allowing you to really see what’s going on inside your mind, your confirmation bias will filter out any information that doesn’t support the view that you think you have instead of allowing you to see the view you really have.

I’ll give you an example. Do you enjoy your own company? Most people will say “yes” here and be able to provide a whole bunch of evidence to support this view.

They could recite the numerous times they’ve spent on their own and enjoyed themselves. That’s fine.

There’s nothing wrong with that.

But consider this:

When was the last time you were with a group of people and walked away to spend time on your own because you enjoyed it more?

When was the last time you laughed out loud at your own jokes even though no-one else got them?

When was the last time you turned down invitations to hang out with people because you had something else you really wanted to do by yourself?

When was the last time you stopped participating in a conversation and just sat with your thoughts because the topic no longer interested you?

If you really enjoyed your own company, I’m sure at least some of these would’ve come up frequently for you.

So, do you really think you enjoy your own company?

Sure, your logical mind might tell you that you do but what do your actions say?

This is the trick to getting around your confirmation bias and finding out what’s really going on underneath. To work out what’s really going on, you need to look deeper than your thoughts and look down to your actions.

Despite what you think you think about yourself, what are you actions telling you about what you think about yourself. For instance:

Do you think you’re attractive?

Maybe yes, maybe no… Here’s some questions that you might want to consider.

Do you express yourself fully and freely around beautiful women?

Would someone who truly believed they were attractive hide themselves away when they were talking to people?

Do you allow other peoples perceptions of your attractiveness effect how you feel?

Would someone who truly believed they were attractive allow other peoples perceptions dictate how they felt?

And the big one – do you change who you are and what you do what you meet someone you find attractive?

Have a look at how you act around people you don’t find attractive and people you do. What’s different?

What could this be telling you?

When you really look down beneath the stories that you logical mind feeds you, you find some pretty interesting things.

Here’s another one: do you accept yourself? And how can you tell?

Well, do you hide parts of who you are and what you stand for?

Would someone who accepts themselves hide themselves away? Do you stand up for what you believe in in every moment?

Would someone who accepts themselves let other peoples views hold them back from expressing their own?

Do you change who you are so that other people will like you? Would someone who accepts themselves do that?

Remember, it’s not the thoughts that are going to illuminate what’s going on for you, it’s the actions which will really open your eyes.

These are just a couple of examples that might help you see what’s really preventing you from having the success that you’re looking for.

I’m sure that if you sat down and thought about it, you could come up with a whole lot of other ideas. And when you do, don’t ask your logical mind to provide you with evidence, check in with your actions.

They’ll show you what’s really preventing you from having incredible relationships with amazing women.

LoGun

..when a strange videoclip began to play on the plasma screens.

It was a shirtless man by the name of Steelheart, singing a pop dance love song, in which he reassured me and other gym-goers that..

“I will never let you go.”.

His bold promise caught me slightly offguard.

Of course, his message was clearly aimed at the female half of the audience, but even then – when I put myself into their shoes – I wondered what’s really behind his offer.

It seemed like through his words Steelheart cast the object of his desires as a rudderless vessel which is hopelessly doomed if set free.

I can imagine that promise like this would be comforting to someone whose life is a metaphor for such a vessel.

(And look – I’m not placing any value judgment upon anyone here – I myself have been in the space where I just wanted to cling on to a woman and make that she never left me).

But really, is that the kind of life that is the limit of human potential?

Is that the most powerful that we can be?

And that’s what I’m alluding to here – wouldn’t it be more fulfilling to create the kind of live inside which we are whole and complete..

..so that we can bring a partner into that space, who is also living inside a life which is whole and complete? The result: a relationship of GIVING, of INTERDEPENDENCY, rather than NEEDING and DEPENDENCY.

Back to the love songs, though…

I’m not finished!

I was curious to find out more about what kind of listening is out there for popular songs about love. And you know what? Well, for Lenny Kravits there seems to be “ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone .. only darkness everyday”.

And then one of the Sugababes pointed out to me that “I can’t be without you”.

Then Mariah Carey made a veiled threat that “boy don’t you know you can’t escape me .. you will always be my baby”.

Christina Aguilera was much more intellectual when she observed that “everytime I see you everything starts making sense”, but I still felt like she needed me to make her happy.

Steven

Some are nice. Some are angry. Some are annoying. Some are good. Some are bad. And so on…

If you don’t like some people, you tend to move away from them.

And if you like them, you tend to keep them around.

And that’s how we generally operate.

For example:

“My Boss is a jerk!”

“That woman is being a bitch!”

Sure, some people may be being jerks and some may be being bitches, at points in their lives.

But does relating to them in such a way leave us with any power?

How about a shift in context?

Try this perspective on:

Consider that every person in your life is here to teach you a lesson. And every time you react to someone – for example you experience discomfort around someone, fear, anxiety, anger or upset – you see it for what it is:

YOUR reaction to that person.

I invite you to own it. Not judge it, not label it, not make it wrong. Just see it for what it is.

And you become grateful to that person for eliciting that response in you. Because in that moment, they’re teaching you a lesson.

Sure, your boss may be acting like a jerk. But focusing on that part is not going to teach you anything. Instead, I invite you to focus on this: how do you usually deal with him?

Do you withdraw and try to feel powerful again by whingeing about him to your colleagues? Do you say “Hey, don’t have a heart attack?” Do you just bottle it up and then one day quit?

When you become present to that reaction, I invite you to look elsewhere in your life. You may notice that THAT way of dealing with difficult situations is present in many other areas of your life.

Areas where other people are teaching you other lessons, and you’re not paying attention, because you’re busy labeling them as “jerks” or “bitches” or “annoying”.

So here’s my point:

There’s NO-ONE out there.

No jerks, no bitches. It’s just you, the voices in your head and your reactions to people.

And every person is holding up a mirror to you, and giving you an opportunity to evolve past being a reaction and start being a cause in the matter of your life.

Steven

I realise that it can seem like this on the surface.

After all, when you’ve been running the same patterns of hiding who you are and what you stand for, for years and years, it can seem like a lot of work..

..but when you stand back and really look at it, I think you might see a different side of it.

Is it really harder to be fake than it is to be real? Is it really more work to say what you think rather than what you think you’re supposed to say?

Lets run a little scenario and you can judge for yourself.

I want you to think back to the last time you saw a beautiful woman that you wanted to talk to. See how she looks, think back to how you felt, imagine yourself right there.

In that moment, is it harder to be real or fake?

Is it harder to say what you think or it is harder to hide what you’re really thinking, how you really feel, and what you desire?

You can either try and come up with something clever and fancy to try and impress her or you can just let out how you feel.

Which one of those sounds ‘harder’ to you?

I don’t know about you but I can’t find any way to look at the situation that makes it’s harder to be real than to be fake. Sure, it might be scarier, but that doesn’t mean there’s more work in it.

There’s a huge difference between harder and scarier. How much work is involved in saying exactly what’s going on with you right now?

Lets keep going.

Imagine that you managed to start a conversation with her and you want to find out more about her..

..is it harder to continue a conversation talking about things you love or is it harder to continue talking about things that you think she wants to talk about?

Is it going to require more work to continue a conversation about topics that you really couldn’t care about and don’t really know anything about..

..or is it going to require more work to talk about things you love and have a great deal of experience in?

And if you are real, how much effort do you have to put in to remembering what you’ve said and who you’ve said it to?

None.

How much effort do you have to put into keep up a facade that you’ve been trying to portray? None. How much effort do you have to put into convincing someone that you’re something that you’re not? None.

I don’t know about you but I struggle to talk about things I don’t care about, but I could talk forever about the things I love.

I can’t find any perspective to justify the idea that it’s harder to talk about things you love.

Sure, once again, it might be scarier but it’s definitely not harder.

I could keep going here, but I think you get the picture. Being real isn’t harder than being fake.

In fact it’s far easier. So much easier that it’s actually the easiest thing you can do.

It requires less work than anything you’ve ever done before in your life. It requires less analysis, less thinking, less effort, and less confusion. It’s the easiest way to live your life.

Sure, it might be scary, but that’s why we’re here – to help you overcome that fear.

And if you want to get a head start on that, check out Seduction Community Sucks by clicking on the link below.

Leigh (LoGun)

LoGun

Why not? Well, that’s easy.

Somewhere between launching Endgame with Leigh, making headway at my new dayjob..

..and starting a new project with Leigh which will empower youth to get off the streets, plus spending a few quality hours here and there with my beautiful girl over a bottle of wino..

..there’s been little time for anything else except sleep.

I usually write here when I have a breakthrough to share. And after such a long absence I feel the pressure to reveal something HUGE, but you know what?

Today I have something very simple to offer.

Underneath all this ruckus has been an uber-powerful tool I acquired: a diary. I have always scoffed at the idea, priding myself on the idea that I can “fly by the pants”, and remember appointments, but you know what?

It never really worked.

Not as well as it does now, anyway. Credit card due dates, pay days, phone calls to be made, people to be met, forms to be sent – all of it goes into the diary.

And here’s the key: my diary is used NOT in a descriptive way, but rather in a prescriptive one – i.e., my diary is the source from which my day is lived from.

Whether I feel like doing something or not, I do it.

And if I don’t have the time for it, I make it.

I found that as soon as I started using a diary, I could take more things on. I was so much more effective, because I was no longer limited by constraints of that shitty thing we call human memory.

At the moment, I reckon I’m reaching my current limit of taking new things on. Most days are long, manic, with every minute allocated to creating something..

.. and I often spend my days that I don’t want to be doing, or am afraid of doing.

Hell? Hell no – I’m loving it.

At the end of the day I feel used up, having engaged everything I’ve committed to myself in that day fully.

I share the day over a glass of wino with the said magnificent girlfriend. And then, off we go to bed to get replenished for the next day ahead, feeling complete and used up.

By the way, these changes were inspired by the book I read a few months ago, and can’t recommend enough:

http://www.threelawsofperformance.com

Steven

Point of that story was to show how I went from surviving at work (and often getting fired) to getting a job I really wanted – and loving it.

The access to that was to begin craving challenge in my job. I wanted to get a job which I was not qualified enough for.

A job in which I’d have to hit the ground running and be out of my comfort zone – learning very fast as I went.

So great. I got that exact job.

What you don’t yet know is that four hours after I wrote that blog post, I found out that I didn’t get it, after all.

I went in to have a chat with the manager about next weeks roster, and he broke the news.

They decided that I was too under-qualified to work in their calibre of restaurant and chose to continue looking for a more experienced person.

I walked out of the restaurant in a daze. I was angry and upset. Furthermore, I began to wonder whether everything I wrote in that blog post was full of shit.

Was it all empty rhetoric which was not supported by any results in real life?

Then I really got something.

What matters is not what happens. It’s how we react to it. And how we react is driven by how we perceive the situation.

See, I could not control what happened. I lost the job, and that was the end. But I could choose what the situation what meant to me in that moment.

The reason I was angry and mad (and now frustrated) was because I chose to look at the situation as:

- a loss of opportunity,
- a loss of income,
- a waste of time which I spent looking and doing the trial shifts, and
- an obstacle which was in the way of achieving my greater goals

What about a different meaning?

I began this journey as a quest for challenge. I went for that job because I wanted the biggest challenge I could find.

And now I found out that I didn’t get it, after doing 3 shifts.

Great! This is not a loss. This was now an even bigger challenge.

As soon as I replaced the “loss” goggles with “even bigger challenge” goggles, I felt energy and drive return to me. I immediately went home to print more resumes.

And the next day I got a job at a different Italian restaurant.

When the GM, who was interviewing me, began with..

“So, what are your dreams?”

..I knew I was in the right place.

Most managers begin interviews with the Stuff – you know, the “which boxes have you ticked?”, the certificates, the years of experience.

This one began with the Dream. What am I trying to achieve? What purpose am I out to fulfill on?

Next, she told me about her passions, and the vision she has for the restaurant. I said I’d love to help her make it a reality.

And the story ends there.

I’m employed again, in a job which pays more, in a restaurant where I my experience gap is not as extreme.

By the way, all these concepts are present in a great book I’m reading at the moment, called Three Laws Of Performance. If you are ready to transform your dull workplace into one you love going to, I highly recommend it. It’s a nearly perfect business book.

Steven