I am tripping on myself as I struggle to become the real man I have with in me.

Bad habit of trying to play the victim. So, I see the situation through that lens.

Example, been almost a week since I had sex with my wife. I want to. She probably wants to, too. I mean she loves it, but has not been big on initiating. I try some playful approaches, she often groans or sighs, like, "not this, again." My internal response is to feel hurt and rejected.

The state I am trying to achieve is being honest about wanting sex, but not expecting it. Laughing it off.

Trying to do what I want without thinking about what her reaction will be. Thinking about my purpose. My mission. Long term. Big picture. Maybe I get that reaction today. But a month, a year from now she relates to me on a totally different level as she experiences the calm, dominant energy I am embracing.

I'm thinking as I continue to make steady progress toward the man I want to be, I can't help but be a magnet for the love that I want.

what do you guys think? suggestions? Comments?

_________________
"The fates lead those who will, those who won't they drag."
- Seneca

"Do not seek to follow in the footsteps of the men of old. Seek what they sought."
- Matsuo Basho

do you express those feelings to her? or are you worried about her reaction if you do?

I do express them, and sometimes I'm pretty good at maintaining state of whatever happens is part of the adventure. I laugh when she brushes me off. I playfully make fun of her:

Me (falsetto - echoing her): What are you doing?

She: (laughs) You're such an dope.

But sometimes I feel like a victim after the brush off. This is just a bad habit. But I try not to act like I feel that way. But rather to maintain my no expectation state.

As much as possible now I try NOT to talk ABOUT the relationship. But rather to RELATE.

To be rather than to analyze. Takes a lot of practice.

it does, sounds like you're looking at it the right way.

when you say you feel like a victim, what does that mean? how do you feel?

I start to question her love/attraction/devotion to me. I think things like: she really finds me icky or a burden and gives me sex as a gift. And I feel misunderstood.

In essence I become a 13 year old boy caught looking at his dad's girly mags and getting scolded. Also, I hear my 8th grade sex ed teacher warning the girls that all boys have one thing on their mind and a whole bunch of other trauma.

I guess my question is what do you do? When you are rejected, or find yourself becoming sucked into attachment to outcome. When you start to try too hard, try to impress her. What do you do to get back into state. Back to purpose.

I feel like I am holding onto the mast of a ship in a storm at sea. Desperately holding onto an idea or an image.

What does everyone else do?

I see that maybe I've been too quick to give up.

Maybe if I push ahead I'll get better results. Maybe that is what she is waiting for, wanting a man who isn't so timid.

that's part of my bad habits.

Hey man

Whenever I find myself getting attached and I become aware of it, I realise how it is limiting me and making me unhappy. Happiness = what you think you need / what you have. If you have all you need there's a good chance everything's cool.

It is interesting you have those memories from when you are younger. Stuff that happens when we are young can stick round for a long time. I've been meditating a lot and I find a lot of totally cringeworthy memories are coming back. I just accept it as that was then and this is now, I can't change what has happened in the past and the only thing that matters is how i choose to be now.

Maybe because you care about her so much you find it validating when she is affectionate? Are you scared of losing her? You seem pretty self aware too. Would you feel the same way if you'd had sex with her 100 times in the last month? Or if you knew she had a really bad cold and was feeling really sick? What are you afraid of that these feelings mean you dont have to deal with? If this is a default emotional response, and one that you feel is no longer who you really are, what do you get out of feeling this way? What do you get out of being a victim?