On Seeking Validation.

by Steven on September 3, 2010 · No Comments

seeking validation A little earlier I was sitting in a busy cafe behind my laptop..

..when I noticed something odd about myself.

When I opened up a tab with the latest edition of Harvard Business Review, I also became very aware if someone in the vicinity saw what I was reading, they’d be impressed.

And I noticed myself relax and become present. It’s like there was more of me to take in the contents of the page.

But when I later clicked a link which resulted in my Facebook page popping up..

..I wondered if other people will think I’m a loser for sitting in a cafe and checking Facebook .. and I got all fidgety and squirmy in my seat.

Approval seeking much?

It’s interesting for me to notice that, because for some time I thought I “beat” approval seeking. By that I mean – these days I rarely catch myself wondering how to impress people or doing things deliberately to make sure I look good.

So where did this come from?

And now I’m wondering – did I really “beat” approval seeking? Or did I simply arrange my environment in such a way that now that part of me rarely gets triggered? That is, did I simply remove everyone out of my life who disapproves of me?

It’s possible.

I can’t remember the last time someone openly disapproved of me, or disagreed with me. Have I fallen into the trap of thinking that I’m making “progress” – when I’m really not?

Being someone who is upheld as a “guru” – even though I openly insist that I’m not – is a peculiar place to be, because it is so easy to hide here…

.. and it’s also so easy to become complacent. It’s easy to carve out a space in the world where none of my bullshit gets triggered, and no-one even questions me on it even if it does.

And it takes a random bunch of unsuspecting strangers in a cafe to help me see that a part of me still exists which craves validation .. and it’s a part which in that moment I was not being responsible for.

That part of me was running the show in that moment..

..not me.

And out of that emerges a way of looking at things which I find very interesting. Those parts of us – the ones which stop us from performing at our fullest potential – and which we try to “deal with”, eradicate, beat, suppress or evolve out of..

..they are not going anywhere.

And instead of trying to get rid of them, I’m going to try on another perspective: we can’t “beat them”. We were never meant to. But we can notice them, and then become responsible for them. We can develop a relationship with them, grounded in compassion.

And in the moment that shift happens from “I’m wondering if they’ll think I’m a loser because I’m on facebook in a cafe” to “Ah, there’s that part of me which is about to do it’s validation seeking thing”…

.. my power in the situation is restored.

In one situation, I’m being needy and inauthentic. In the other, I’m powerful and authentic.

This week, I’m going to practice noticing where that part of me which seeks validation gets triggered. It will be an interesting week.

Steven