What Does It Mean To “SET THE FRAME”?

by Jonathon on October 16, 2009 · No Comments

set the frame You ever notice how much your expectations rule your day-to-day living?

When you do a good deed, you expect to be rewarded. Or at least recognised.

When you stay back at work, day after day, slaving away at your work, you expect a promotion.

When you approach a beautiful woman you hope (read: expect) that she will react favourably.

Let me share one of my own experiences: having an expectation that the world, and people, should change for me, has always failed for me.

The big question, though, is: how often do you look at your expectations of yourself?

This one struck me today, as I was reading a dating tip about “setting the frame of an interaction” by some dating guru.

Quite often I see this kind of dating tip misinterpreted as:

“You need to lay down the law with her, tell her how it is, and what you stand for – then just expect her to comply”.

My biggest issue with this is simple: how would you feel if somebody “laid down the law with you?” Are you more, or less likely, to respect the person “setting the frame?”

I offer an alternative: the only law you can lay down, the only expectation you can set, is that of how you will live your life, in any moment.

The only person you could really ever hope to convincingly lay the law down with, is you.

This may sound like a bit of a cop-out, but allow me to elaborate.

In setting your own terms of living, something incredible is possible:

On living your life incredibly, by laying THAT down as one of your “rules”, you are thereby creating a space in which everybody who interacts with you is also allowed that opportunity for themselves.

Here’s an example:

Who would be more motivating – your mother lecturing you, telling you to do something with your life, or somebody who themselves is motivated, who is living their dream, and simply asks that you join them on their quest?

It’s the same when you approach a beautiful woman:

if you want the women you approach to be more open, free, and fully expressed, then set the standard by you yourself being more open, free, and fully expressed.

It really is quite incredible what happens when you lead by example.

It’s just like Ghandi says, after all: “Be the change you want to see in the world”.